You Give and Take Away

I've wanted to be a wedding photographer since I was a senior in high school. One day I just decided that's what I was going to be, and I never looked back. In January 2016 I quit my stable full time job to finally pursue wedding photography as my career. The previous three years of my business had shown amazing growth. My bookings were literally doubling each year. I figured there was no way I wouldn't reach my booking goals. I was finally going to be what I had wanted to be since 2008. I was a full time wedding photographer.

Except that's not what happened. 

Promptly after quitting my job, photography inquiries slowed down to almost nothing. The inquiries I did get I didn't manage to book. I read books about owning your own business. I paid exorbitant amounts of money for photography workshops - one of which landed me snowed in at a Nashville hotel for several days. I signed up for free webinars about positive vibrations and how to make Instagram profitable. I read article after article about how to gain followers on Facebook, and how to turn inquiries into bookings. I networked with other photographers and wedding professionals. I did giveaways and started a referral program. I prayed. Oh, did I pray. In spite of all of that, my business just didn't take off.

I told myself to keep thinking positive, but each month that went by without a booking the situation got more serious and more stressful. At least once a week some thoughtful, caring person would excitedly ask me how my business was going. I would put on a timid, fake smile and tell them it was going just fine. My dad would ask how many weddings I had booked since the last time we spoke. It hurt to keep saying "none". 

After a little more than a year of hustling to make a career in photography happen, there was no other choice for my family than for me to go find a job. In March of 2017 I started working full time as a graphic designer for a screen printing company.

For a long time the relief of a steady income overshadowed my disappointment in my failure. After more than a year of being in a constant state of stress about my photography, I was honestly glad to be able to walk away from it for a while. It felt like a relationship with a toxic friend. I loved it, but I needed some space from the anxiety it caused me. Now, though, the one year anniversary of my exit from full time photography is approaching and the reality of my failed dream has really crashed down on me.

Honestly, I still don't fully understand why it turned out the way it did. I did everything I was "supposed" to do, but none of it worked for me. I've gone over and over in my mind what I must have done wrong. Am I just bad at this? How do other photographers charge twice what I do and have people begging to work with them? Is it because I'm just unlikeable? Is this a sign that I'm destined to do something else with my life? If so, WHAT?

I'm having to go through the unpleasant process of completely readjusting the expectations that I had for my life, and come to terms with the fact that I chased my goal with all I had, and it evaded me. I never imagined my life any other way. In my dreams of my future I was always a self employed wedding photographer. It was all I wanted. Now I'm grieving the loss of the life I thought belonged to me. It wasn't mine to have, apparently.

For a year I haven't been able take time to process this life shift, or grieve the loss of my dream, because of the other disaster that struck my life at the same time. In November of 2016 the Great Depression hit. I simply woke up one morning and the power was out in my mind. Desperate, I stumbled from room to room in complete darkness, trying all the switches and searching for a flashlight. None of the switches worked. There was no flashlight. My mind had just gone dark. The lights didn't come back on for a long, long time. 

On Sunday we sang Blessed Be Your Name during worship. Since that day in November of 2016 it's impossible for me to sing the bridge of this song without sobbing.

You give and take away. You give and take away.

I have a physical reaction to those words. Tears immediately start falling down my face. I'm compelled to extend my hands and bow my head. I can't help but do it.

These words seem to me to be written in complete submission. It seems to be professing, "Sometimes you give. Sometimes you take away. I receive either one with joy." I just can't sing that with a smile. You can give, but please, God, don't take away. 

This explains my posture. I want to be given to so desperately. I feel like I'm on my knees bowing before the throne of a King, arms outstretched ready to receive whatever abundance He chooses to bestow upon me. I bow humbly, as you do when you're begging, and plead to have blessing heaped upon me. But that's not enough - we're singing both things. You give... and you take away. In the same moment I feel like I'm on my knees bowing in submission to that same King. I lie prone, helpless, at His mercy, hoping the King will see my pitiful state and not take from me. Still, my arms are outstretched. My arms are outstretched to fight the instinct to hold tightly to what I can't bear to have taken. I hold up what I love most, offering it up to be plucked out of my hands.

I cry tears of joy remembering that God, for the time being, has brought me out of the pit of Depression. I've raised an ebenezer to Him because of His goodness. Thank you.

A second later the tears are of pain, remembering the day I woke up and my ability to feel joy was just gone. My will to live was drained. My lights were out. Why would you do that?

Tears of joy as I remember that at the perfect moment a job fell from the sky and provided for all my needs. Thank you.

Tears of pain as I wonder why I couldn't have my dream that I fought so hard for. Why not me? Why would you do that?

Kyle and I have a desperate desire for some specific blessings. Right now, when I hear those difficult words in the song, I beg that God will see and rain down on us the things we're longing for. What I'm holding up in offering is my mental health, my goals for my life, the future I want. I really hope these things stay firmly in my hands. Please don't take them. But part of bowing before a King is knowing that you're subject to His will. Whatever that might mean. 

I take comfort in a line from another song. (I really identify with music - surely that's been made clear at this point.) In a uncommonly known additional verse of the song Be Still, My Soul the lyrics read:

Be still, my soul
Thy Jesus doth repay
From His own fullness
All He takes away

He very well might take away from my outstretched hands. I'll work very hard to trust that the fullness of God is abundant enough to repay whatever goes missing.

Marah + Jared - Henderson, TN Wedding

I loved being part of Marah and Jared's wedding day. It's awesome when I get to photograph couples I actually know. I knew almost everyone in and at the wedding, which is always so nice. This day had the potential to be dramatic since so many people involved in the wedding were fighting some monstrous stomach bug, but in the end everyone made it and no one threw up. That's really good news at a wedding.

Marah and Jared were the very first people to get married at this brand new venue! 

I was VERY excited about this. I got to a lot of weddings and by now there's not much I see that's original as far as exits go. This, though, I have never seen. NERF GUNS!

A Year Without

Last week I saw an article on Facebook that one of my friends had shared. It was titled My Year of No Shopping. I clicked. I read. The article was exactly what it sounds like: a woman went an entire year without shopping (except for the essentials) and wrote about it on her blog. She explained her reasons for making her decision and the lessons she learned during her experiment. The more I read the more pouty I became. I finished the article with slumped shoulders and a stink face. I knew what was coming next, because I'd been there many times before. I felt deeply convicted. My very first thought was "Oh, no. I have to do this now."

I don't have a shopping problem. I know, I know, that's exactly what someone with a shopping problem would say. It's true, though. I don't buy fancy things, max out credit cards, or even go shopping all that frequently. The problem I have isn't really about the act of shopping - it's about materialism.

I hold what some would call radical beliefs about Jesus' teachings on the rich entering the Kingdom of Heaven. In Matthew 19 Jesus encounters a rich young man. The young man keeps the commandments of God, and yet Jesus tells him that if he wishes to be perfectly ready for the Kingdom, he needs to give up his belongings - all of them. Then Jesus says that it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the Kingdom. Just to be clear, it's impossible for a camel to go through the eye of a needle. It cannot be done. A thing that is impossible is easier than getting to Heaven while being rich. I stand firm in that translation of the text, because Jesus confirms it. When the baffled disciples asked Jesus how anyone could be saved if that statement were true, Jesus says, "It is impossible." We're just lucky he didn't stop talking. He also said, "With God all things are possible."

I've felt strongly convicted hundreds of times over the last several years to have less. I felt it when I discovered the book The Power of Half, in which a family decides they can live on half of what they have, and give the other half away. I felt it when I thought about the fact that monks and nuns take vows of poverty. It's almost as if someone determined that accumulating material wealth was a distraction from being dedicated to the work of God. I feel it every time I look around myself and realize I have excess. I have in reserve what could be blessing someone else. I've felt passionately that Christians must have less in order to be truly reflecting Christ and yet, somehow, I've never actually ended up with less. I've always found some reason not to do anything about it. Then, I came across an article in which a person who doesn't even share these same convictions managed to take action and make a life change. I decided it was time to reevaluate all of my lame reasons that have perpetuated my inaction.

Sometimes I interpret the words of Jesus as an escape hatch. Whew! You almost had me, Jesus. You said I couldn't be rich and be saved and I was all freaked out, but then you saved it there at the end when you said you could make anything possible! So I'm good! Dodged that bullet.

Sometimes I get philosophical. What is rich, really? Whatever it is, I bet it doesn't really define me. Compared to a Kardashian I'm actually super poor. So really, this is not my problem.

Sometimes I speak for God. God wouldn't actually expect me to give things up. He wants me to be happy and taken care of. After all, you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else. That's all I'm doing - taking care of myself.

How can I have such strong beliefs about Christians avoiding material wealth, and yet always have a loophole to ensure that my beliefs don't actually apply to me?

Because I love money. 

There, I said it. I know, I know, we're all supposed to pretend that we have this nonchalant, totally chill, healthy relationship with money. We're allowed to appreciate our wealth, but we're definitely not allowed to just come out and say we love it. After all, that's a Christian's first defense in the argument about money. The Bible doesn't say that money leads to evil, but that the love of money leads to evil. So everything's fine as long as you don't love your money. Hey, maybe you don't. Or maybe you're like me and you've just been pretending you don't.

As for me, I love the security that I feel looking at a bank account that has a big soft cushion in it. I'd often rather have the cushion than be generous toward someone in need. I love getting new things for myself that make me happy momentarily. I love upgrading the things that I previously found satisfactory. I love being comfortable. I love what you have too, if what you have is better than what I have. I love going out and getting the same thing you have, so that you don't have better than what I have.

For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil.
Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs.
Timothy 6:9-11

That language is a little scary: pierced themselves with many griefs. Geez. What kind of griefs, Paul? Seething jealousy? The anxiety of constant comparison? A permanent lack of contentment? Self preservation that overcomes the impulse to be benevolent? You mean those griefs?

I'm hoping this year without shopping will start to heal me of my many griefs.

I want to spend less time worrying about what others have. This year, if I see someone with something I really want, I simply have to accept that they have it, and I do not. Running out and buying it for myself too isn't an option. I won't be spending my time or money in efforts to acquire what others have that I do not. I hope that this attitude will spread to other aspects of life. I want not to concern myself with the homes others build, the salaries others make, the vacations others go on, or the ways in which others are succeeding. I have what I have, and that's good enough. So many of life's troubles can be eased by simply being content. 

Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, “I will never leave you or forsake you."

I want to be more grateful for what I have and what I receive. This year, since I won't be buying anything for myself, I hope to be all the more grateful for anything given to me and everything already in my possession. I often look in my closet and think that whatever's in there isn't good enough, even though I've never found myself without the clothing I truly needed. I hope to truly savor all that I have around me, acknowledge it all as a blessing, and behave with grace if somehow it all slips from my grasp. 

Cast but a glance at riches, and they are gone, for they will surely sprout wings and fly off to the sky like an eagle. Proverbs 23:4-5

I want to be a better steward of my excess. This year, since I won't have the option to spend our excess money on myself, I want to be more intentional about what I do spend it on. Maybe this means using a paycheck to give my husband something he wants, rather than using it for something I want. Maybe this means spending the time I'm not spending shopping by being active in my community or being around friends. Maybe I'll see that I actually have a bunch of stuff I don't use or need and I'll get rid of it instead of saving it for some unlikely future occasion.

Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal, but store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
Matthew 6:19-21

In short, this is my new rule: No amassing possessions for myself. Here are my guidelines going into the new year.

1. I cannot buy things like clothes, shoes, jewelry, electronics, etc. I'm obviously still going to make purchases. I fully anticipate still requiring food and gas and toilet paper this year. I can't really go a year entirely without shopping in any way.

2. I will continue to give and receive gifts. Gift giving is a wonderful way to show someone you love them and are thinking about them, but maybe this year I'll be more creative and give gifts that aren't as focused on material possessions. I also don't feel it's polite to turn down gifts, since this is how some people show love. If the people in my life still choose to give gifts to me this year, I will gratefully accept them. 

3. I can make legitimate replacements. If somehow I burn holes in the bottoms of all of my shoes, I will buy a new pair of shoes. I don't consider that to be amassing possessions, simply replacing something I no longer have. However, the replacement has to be legitimate. No needless upgrading, and if I find that something I had can go without being replaced I'll try to do that.

The realization I've come to over the last year is that I am deeply, deeply flawed. Instead of sinking under the weight of those flaws, I'm trying this year to be proactive in creating a better version of myself. I hope soon to meet a version of myself who doesn't love money, who doesn't become depressed by the wealth of others, and who doesn't have anxiety about her financial future. 

There is no fear for one whose mind is not filled with desires.
The Buddha

Ellie + Angelo - San Diego Wedding

I'm FINALLY getting around to blogging this wedding, and I'm so excited! Ellie contacted me on the recommendation of a friend and agreed to fly me and Kyle out to California to shoot her wedding. Only weeks later our friends moved from Fresno to San Diego - only five minutes from the wedding venue. Kyle and I spent the week hanging out with our friends, visiting with his parents, and exploring San Diego. On Thursday we had an awesome time shooting this wedding for two of the kindest people. 

Here I Raise My Ebenezer

Ebenezer is one of my favorite words. I love it because it's weird and rare. It's fun to say, and fun to spell, and fun to see if people actually know what it means. It's not every day you hear that word thrown around, and when you do it's often in reference to a Charles Dickens character. Even in the Bible it's only used in one book. In 1 Samuel 7 the Israelites achieve victory over the Philistines. At the end of the battle Samuel takes a stone and sets it up as a monument to the victory. He called the monument Ebenezer, which means stone of help. As he placed the stone he declared, "Thus far the Lord has helped us."

I love that. Thus far the Lord has helped us.

My favorite story of an ebenezer doesn't actually include the word anywhere, but that's what it is nonetheless. The dictionary definition of the word is commemoration of divine assistance. In the book of Joshua, the tribe of Israel needs to cross the Jordan river with the ark of the covenant. In the story God cuts off the flow of water from both sides, and the people walk safely on dry land in the midst of a river that is normally overflowing. Before they leave the banks of the river, God tells the leaders of the nation to take 12 stones from out of the middle of the riverbed, from the place where their feet stood firmly against all odds. The leaders gathered the 12 stones and stacked them up into a monument. God told them, "This will be a sign among you. When your children ask in time to come, 'What do those stones mean to you?' then you shall tell them that the waters of the Jordan were cut off before the ark of the covenant of the Lord. So these stones shall be to the people of Israel a memorial forever."

During my high school depression I discovered To Write Love On Her Arms. If you don't know about TWLOHA, you should look into it. It's a nonprofit organization built around helping people who struggle with depression, self harm, and suicide. Many who feel connected to this movement have gotten tattoos on their arms, most of which say "Love" in some form or fashion. The tattoos are meant to serve as a reminder, before you choose to harm yourself, that you are loved.

When I stopped cutting and had dealt with my anorexia, I decided that I would get a TWLOHA tattoo. I chose the Greek word for unconditional love, agape. I preferred it to the English word for love since in English you can love God, love skiing, and love tacos, and never need a different word. I knew that if I was to truly overcome my desire to harm myself, I would need to love myself the way God loves me - unconditionally. The way I love tacos just wasn't going to be enough. 

By the time my 18th birthday rolled around and I could legally get a tattoo, I had gone six months without cutting and I was closer to God than ever before. I felt rescued, finally pulled out of the mire. I wanted to honor the blessing of the peace I had finally been afforded by walking away from the experience changed. The mark on my skin was to serve as an ebenezer, a reminder for for the rest of my life of the deep waters God had carried me through, how I had survived, how pain always comes to an end, and how I could make choices moving forward that honored the life God has given me. I wanted to make a promise in permanent ink. My tattoo was my promise to myself and to God that I would never harm my own body again.

I kept that promise for 8 years, 4 months, and 2 days.

Seconds after I broke my promise I hated myself for it. I felt like an idiot with a meaningless symbol on my wrist. Actually, not a meaningless symbol, a symbol of the promise I failed to keep. My agape morphed into a black reminder of my shortcomings and how in a split second I managed to trash 8 years of sobriety. I was ashamed that I hadn't remembered what I swore I would remember forever. Somehow, in spite of all of the evidence, I had forgotten about the deep waters God had previously carried me through, how I was a survivor, and how pain eventually does come to an end. I had ignored the fact that I had committed to making different choices. Instead, almost every day for over a month I made the same destructive choice, sometimes using the hand that I wear my promise on. For a while I thought that there was no point in making a new promise. A person incabable of keeping the first surely can't keep the second. The whole point of an ebenezer, or a tattoo, is that it's FOREVER, not for eight years.

Then I remembered where I got the idea of an ebenezer in the first place - God's people.

The Israelites are notoriously bad at remembering previous cases of divine assistance. It's interesting that in the story from Joshua the leaders of Israel don't decide to commemorate God's help - God commands them to. He tells them to build a monument. He tells them what the monument means. He tells them what they are supposed to say to future generations that inquire about the strange stack of stones. God knows they are going to forget! He knows this because he knows our nature. He knows this because the Jordan river isn't the first or largest body of water He's helped this group of people cross! Almost immediately after God parts the Red Sea and millions of people cross over on dry land, the people start to feel unprovided for. It's easy for us to read the stories and say, "Israel! Are you joking?" but I think those stories exist to remind us of just how alike we are to God's people of the past. The entire history of God's people can be summed up in this: God provides, God's people celebrate and commemorate, God's people forget, God provides. Repeat for several thousands of years.

Enter me.

I was ashamed for forgetting, but it's honestly not surprising at all that I did. I'm human, just like Abraham, and Job, and Peter, who all forgot. Depression and Anxiety also have a truly remarkable way of doing a memory wipe. With these afflictions I sometimes can't remember the good from 30 seconds ago. Every single moment is a battle to remember. God has helped me through deep waters. I have survived. Pain ends.

Since I'm afflicted with the same humanity of the people of Israel, I've decided to raise another ebenezer. Sometimes you have to do that. 

I decided a long time ago that if I was ever "ok again" I would get another tattoo. I wanted a new one to represent a new promise, a new before and after. I've been waiting until I finally felt absolved of my guilt, and no longer had any desire to hurt myself. I didn't want to enter into a promise that I wasn't prepared to keep. You can't create your stack of stones until you're out of the riverbed and on the shore. 

This is my new tattoo. My new memorial. My new ebenezer. 

Though I've known I wanted a new tattoo for a while, I had no idea at all what I wanted it to be. I designed this after randomly turning to the book of Joshua several months ago. There I read the wonderful story of people in need, treacherous waters, God's providence, and a stack of stones. I decided I wanted my new tattoo to represent a stack of stones and include the words "Here by Thy great help I've come". I've always been against the idea of a tattoo on my back because I wouldn't be able to see it well, but suddenly I loved the idea. Part of the trouble with the ebenezer raised in Joshua is that the Israelites walked away from it. Far away from it. The farther they got from that moment, and from that sacred space, the more the memory faded. My ebenezer will follow RIGHT behind me. Every step I take is only one step in front of the monument I've erected. Each step is a reminder that I can walk away from this place better than I was before. Each step is a testament to exactly how far God has carried me.

Thus far the Lord has helped me.

Thus far the Lord has helped me.

Thus far the Lord has helped me.

When asked, "What does that mean to you?" I will tell of the dangerous journey made safe by a God who parts waters. This is my commemoration of divine assistance. This is my ebenezer.

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If you are interested in reading other blog posts about my journey with mental health, you can find them here. 

The Raging Wind and Tempest

Congratulations! You're Mentally Ill

Why Is Everything So Heavy

The Greatest Commandment

Me, Too.